Guys (I'm assuming there are people out there who are reading this...fingers crossed) I really need  to get running. Like, for real. I get home from work, and spend the whole rest of the day on Pinterest looking at inspirational things about running, etc.... My point is, I very rarely actually do anything.

Because I'm a lazy ass.
 Because I really need to work on my motivation.

I don't really think I've caught the "running bug"...A bit of my running history...first, let's just go with athletic in general. 7th Grade, I play volleyball. Hate it (and wish to this day my mom had made me stick with it, or stick with anything in general). I was on the "C" team, which is the worst team. Usually didn't play much. Never really went to any games, and the other girls on the team were usually pretty nasty anyways.

 In the 8th grade, I went for track and field. They stuck me as a thrower instead of a runner, but everybody warmed up with a 1/4 mile run around the track. My first few days, I would sprint it, terrified of being last to finish (and nearly died at the finish line). After a few weeks, I was leading the pack of little 13 year olds in the sport. I really began to like it. I think I was actually considering requesting becoming a runner instead of a thrower, but the distances truly scared me.

Around this time I started having a lot of knee pain, and eventually one day my left knee dislocated. It went right back into place, but it was painful. My knee swelled up and I wasn't so much the awesome runner leading the pack anymore. I visited a few doctors, one of whom gave me a note prescribing no gym class (I think for 6 weeks) and only doing the stuff in track that didn't hurt my knee. Naturally, I caught all sorts of hell with the other kids. They almost seemed to accept me for a minute there, but they began talking about how I was faking it (even though I had a knee brace), and one of the popular girls would boss me around and try and make me do the exercises in track.

 Also, I feel I should note this. Around the high school and middle school is a concrete sidewalk that circles them both, forming "the loop" which is a half mile. In gym they made us run it. At first it was challenging, but after a while I learned to pace myself, and began to get faster than some of the "fast" kids in my class. Six weeks later my doctor tells me I can never do sports again, and I'm pulled out of track just before the first meet, and I can no longer run "the loop". I gave up on sports and anything athletic for a long time, believing what the doctors told me about my knees. It didn't help when my other knee started doing it, and then my shoulders, too. I have too much elasticity in my tendons, and it allows my joints to dislocate, but they usually pop right back in. But for a few weeks after that, it's painful, swollen, and more likely to dislocate as the tendons have been stretched out too much and need to retighten (I'm assuming all of this, at least).

 Anyways, fast forward until maybe my Junior year in high school. I've found the book "Secrets of a Former Fat Girl" by Lisa Delaney (I recommend it!). She talks about how she started Jazzercise and then started seriously running. I wanted to find that feeling, too. One day, I lace up some "running" shoes (some fancy Reebok Zigtech shoes I had gotten) and decided to walk to my cousin's house a few blocks away. We lived right by the highschool at the time, and my cousin wasn't home. So, I figured what the hell, and set foot on "the loop" again.

I ran the whole thing.

 I felt so happy, I nearly cried. I hadn't ran it since 8th grade. My knee barley bothered me. Since that night, my knees have only dislocated a few times. I wish I could say I fell in love with running ever since then, and never stopped, but I have inconsistency issues. I can hold a routine for a few weeks, then I stop. This continued and I worked up to about 1.5 miles. One night, being overloaded with stress, I just ran. I didn't pay much attention to how far, I just ran until I felt better. I ran 2 miles that night, and would have kept going and going, but I didn't really want to destroy my body, so I quit. Then what I did sank in. Unfortunately, I still couldn't really stick with it, and only ran a few times after that.

Then, my senior year in high school, I decided to join Cross Country. Best and worst decision. I had no choice but to run, making it easier to form a routine. But I overdid it too quickly. Immediately began running 2 miles a day every day except weekends.

By the end of the first week, I had shin splints because I didn't take proper care to stretch afterwards, even though I felt them coming. And they just got worse. I could barely finish a run, and often the coaches had to pick me up on the way back and haul me back as I limped toward the school. One day I decided to tape up my shins nice and tight, and ran 3 miles that day, and only stopped at the half way and turn around point for some water, as it was an inferno outside. Then I headed back, and felt pretty decent, except for the shin splints. I only ever raced once, and I had to walk most of it. I finished worse than last--they'd started the boy's race and I wasn't even done yet. Walking at this point in the season was a challenge in and of itself. I decided to trot the last little bit, and was surprised that people seemed supportive and not looking down at me for being so far behind. Let's face it, I totally expected them to think Of course she's last, she's so fat, she shouldn't even be in this sport...but lots of people cheered for me. My coach seemed pretty proud, too.

 I stopped running then, to let my shin splints heal. I waited a week, went out, came back after a few minutes, frustrated to tears. Waited more weeks. Waited even more weeks. A few months after Cross Country ended and I still couldn't walk down stairs without pain. Eventually, they passed, though I don't remember how long it actually took.

 I wish I could get back into the routine of Cross Country, and running with people. Despite the pain of it, I really loved it. Even on the days I was a wimp and they put me on a bike, I still loved it. The gravel roads, the scenery of the small town countryside, and being covered in dust as cars drove past you. My body started changing, too, even though I was barely running after a certain point. My jeans began getting very loose, almost to the point that I had to get a new size, my calves were amazing, my thighs were a little tighter, and my stomach seemed to be shrinking (sadly, my chest did not -sigh-).

 I want that back, just no shin splints. My last run was a couple of weeks ago, and I had gotten lost in this big city. I knew where I was, I just wasn't on my route. And it felt like my shin splints were coming back. And I seemed to have no mental strength to keep me from walking. So, I was very frustrated and near tears, and started thinking all sorts of things like Who are you to think you can run; or What are you even doing out here? You could have still been curled up in a warm blanket had you not come out here and for the first time ever I truly wished I hadn't gone out to run.

Since then, while I've wanted to go out, I haven't. Maybe I just really needed to spill all of this online on this blog. But hopefully I can start running again, and soon. I sustained a 7 day running streak in September, and the runs were the best parts of my day. Then I got sick, and by the time I got better my motivation was gone. And as I'm typing this, the only thing I can think to myself is this: I'm doing nothing but making excuses. Lots of excuses to be a wimp and not work for something. So, maybe I'm just really tired, but hopefully this will still stick tomorrow, but I want to go running. And I want to make it last for the rest of my life.

Signing off